Stop the Ride, I Want To Get Off

In what seems to be a recurring theme with me, I started a new job in early March. I found what looked to be a perfect situation for me. Very close to home, better salary, small company that offered loads of growth potential, and a company that provides a service that I find socially redeeming. Finally, an answer to my professional prayers.

For a little over a week now, I have been on the verge of an anxiety attack. I feel like Tony Soprano during Season 1 - constantly on the verge of passing out. My chest has been tight as a drum, and my head feels like it might explode. The job has been a little different than what I expected. Lots of accounting work, some of which is upper-level stuff. I am no accountant. I have experience in bookkeeping functions, but audits and reconciliations aren't really my thing. Anyway, last Thursday my bosses told me my position with the company was "tenuous". No matter that the 60-day "intense" training period I was supposed to be in the midst of never happened. I was a mess.

To say I was depressed over this development would be an understatement. I could barely function. I have a new personal rule - if severely down and unable to concentrate, do NOT play poker. I didn't want to cancel the poker night at my house on Saturday night, but I was a sitting duck all night long. I played horribly and my heart just wasn't in the game.

I came in to work Monday determined to put my best foot forward. I would bust my butt and do the best I could (not that I wasn't trying hard already) and if it was good enough, fine. If it wasn't, then I would go back to the drawing board. I am happy to report that Wednesday night, I spoke to my boss on the phone and she gave me a very nice vote of confidence. She commended me on my interaction with coworkers, clients and even went as far to say that I had a bright future with the company - once I mastered all of the accounting functions I am being given.

Two days later and I don't feel much better than I did before. My heart doesn't so much beat as it bangs in my chest. I am still so wound up that I have no idea how I would react if certain situations would arise. It's probably a very good thing that I have taken a basketball haitus, as I would be one bad call or one hard foul away from having to be dragged off of someone. What is wrong with me?

I used to be a much stronger person than I am now. I have been homeless and never remember feeling like this. I have gone to the doctor a few times over the past handful of years with tightness in my chest. I was surprised both times when my doctor tried to give me prescriptions for anti-depressants and ant-anxiety meds. I never got them filled, and I am wondering now if I made the wrong choice. I have always prided myself on being drug-free (beer notwithstanding) and my fear is that I will become dependent on these medications. I honestly have no idea what to do right now.

On a related topic, have you ever had a friend or an acquaintance that seemed to always be able to know what you were feeling at a given time? I have one of those. I don't see her or talk to her very much anymore, but I think she can still sense when I am struggling. I got a call out of the blue late last week from a psychologist that was recommended by my old friend. The doctor called right when I was at my lowest point. I haven't made the arrangements to go see him yet (no insurance until at least June) but I believe I will at some point. I just wanted to give a bloggy thanks to my friend for thinking of me.

Speaking of friends, one of the best I have ever had is getting ready to move. When he called to tell me he was moving 3000 miles away I felt some sadness. But, the truth is that since I never get out anymore I have only seen him once a year since my wedding. Disgraceful, I know. Anyways, this good friend of mine has been talking of making the move for years. In fact, we both almost left for the left coast when we were in our mid-20's. He, like me, has struggled with a lot of personal things and he is going to take a shot to change things for himself. I wish him the best, and I hope he knows that I will still be here doing the family thing if he needs anything from me.

[Currently Listening: Toots and the Maytals - "Pressure Drop"]