Been Awhile

I have said a number of times that my blog has been a therapeutic outlet for me, and never have I been more in need of therapy than over the past couple of months. I used to joke with coworkers at my last job that if the boss ever spazzed and canned me (as he had done to others previously) that I wasn't worried, as I was convinced I'd be working again within two weeks. After losing my job in early November, two weeks turned into five - and I found myself in a very dark place.

I got two interviews lined up within the first week of being unemployed. I was upset about losing my job, but I was feeling good about my prospects. My plan had been to stick things out through the holidays - to see if things got any better around the office, collect my Christmas bonus, and to have some control over my job search. So much for that... Apparently I lost my job at the worst time to be looking for work. Not only that, but I found out the hard way that I am very much at a crossroads career-wise. The combination of what I need to make salary-wise to make ends meet, my lack of degree and the lack of stability I have demonstrated while job-hopping every couple of years has put me in a particularly sticky position.

I tried to write a few times about what was going on and what I was feeling, but everything sounded like crybabying and some of it even sounded suicide note-ish. I felt all kinds of hollowed-out inside. I felt as though I didn't deserve my family, and that they would be better off without me. I wasn't suicidal, I just felt as though my wife and son would be better off with someone more stable and successful as their husband and father. I was so wracked with guilt over losing my job right before the holidays that I could barely function. I was on the verge of an anxiety attack for weeks. Kim was supportive but my depression started to affect everything. All of my confidence in my ability to provide for my family was stripped from me. I felt as though I didn't deserve to live.

The low point was my unemployment compensation request being denied. Unemployment isn't a lot of money, but it would have helped some for sure. My ex-boss wasn't fighting the claim, so apparently it was something I said during a phone screening. We got it all straightened out in the end. I was able to collect for five weeks worth and that helped a bunch. Thankfully, I had a little money saved from my night job that got us through.

There was a silver lining to my being out of work for so long. I got to spend a lot of time during the day with The Man Zachary, which was nice. There aren't a lot of Dads (or Moms for that matter) who get to spend time with their kids during the day. So I am very thankful for that time with him. While I felt a lot closer to The Man during this stretch, watching a 15-month old all day is hard work and I knew I would be happy to get back to work!

In mid-December I went to a staffing service to see if they could help me find work. They were impressed with me and hired me internally for a sales and recruiting position (mostly sales). The base pay is more than I was making before and they started my benefits on the first of January. It was a surprising development, and an opportunity I am most thankful for. I have been working there four weeks and it is unlike anything I have ever done before. I have never worked in sales before, and it is a completely different world for me. My new bosses seem happy with what I have done so far, even though I am scared to death. They let a guy go two days before Christmas for not making his numbers, so I know I have to perform in order to keep my job. Seeing that scared me a bit, but I have had some bites on my resume so at least I know I have some options if this doesn't work out. In fact, I got an email out of the blue last week from someone I interviewed with prior to accepting the offer for my last job. It was very flattering, and I will listen to what they have to say. In the meantime, I am going to continue to attack my new job and see how I do with it. I am far more comfortable in the administrative realm of things, but there is only so much money one can make in office jobs like that so I am going to see how I do with this new opportunity. People have been pushing me to get into sales for a long time. So, wish me luck.

On a less serious note, the Philadelphia sports scene has me behaving in ways I never thought possible. The Flyers are so bad that I barely keep tabs on the NHL. I am still angry with the NHL over its ridiculous "improved" schedule they have been using since the lockout. It is bush league. If you can't afford for your league to play a balanced schedule then you shouldn't be operating. Period. End of story. The Sixers are awful but I am worried that they might not be awful enough. There is a player in college that will change the landscape of the NBA for years to come. Greg Oden, a freshman at Ohio State is a 7-foot big man that will be dominant for the next decade-plus. If the Sixers don't get the number one overall pick, chances are the Celtics, Knicks or Bobcats will. If that happens, the Sixers may not win a title or even get a chance to play for one for the next 20 years. I have never openly rooted against a Philly sports team in my life, but for this season it is all about lottery ping pong balls. The Eagles got shafted last night in New Orleans but I am still proud of the way they pulled themselves together down the stretch. They were 5-6 after getting blasted in Indianapolis yet pulled together behind Jeff Garcia and won their last five regular season games and a home playoff game against the Giants. Hard to complain about that when seven weeks ago the season seemed lost. My fantasy football teams both ended up losing before they could make me any money, and I had a particularly embarrassing moment at a Flyers game the weekend after I lost my job which I'll have to tell everyone about. It epitomized my bad-luck stretch for sure. It wasn't quite as bad as the time I got bear-trapped by my seat while Bennie Mac laughed at me instead of helping me, but it was close.

I am going to try to be online a little more so I can do a better job of keeping in touch. My apologies for dropping off the face of the Earth for awhile.

[Currently Listening: Pimp C - "I'm Free"]