Why I Haven’t Been Blogging

In the month-plus since my last entry I have had quite a few people ask me why I haven’t been blogging much recently. There are a few reasons for it actually. A lot has been happening with me and in the world but I just haven’t been able to muster a post. I have never written my blog with any measure of self-importance as I’ve always looked at it as a combination of therapy (an avenue to vent thoughts and feelings) and a fairly easy way to keep friends and family apprised on what is going on with me. Today it seems everyone has a blog. The internet is drowning in the blogosphere. Blogging is trendy. I hate trendy.

I have gone through a lot in my life, and that has been magnified somewhat over the past few years. Other than my beautiful son and ultra-understanding wife, it feels as though everything I touch turns to crap around me. My professional life has been a roller coaster and my mental state has gotten ridiculously fragile as a result of it. I can’t imagine how anyone who knows me can look at me and take me seriously. Now, I have overcome a lot since my childhood and I continue to fight like all hell to put myself and my family in a better place. However, no matter what I have overcome and what could have or should have happened to me given my upbringing the truth of the matter is I have accomplished exactly nothing in my 34 years that warrants my spouting my opinions about most subjects at anyone. Why I haven’t been writing? It is pretty simple: who cares what someone thinks if they haven’t really accomplished anything? I could have the whole world and what is wrong with it all figured out but what is it worth if I have never worked a job longer than 3 years and can’t figure out what to do with myself?

As I said, a lot has happened since I last wrote. I will sum it up as succinctly as I can. I did start the new job at the big company I referred to in my last post. The company is great, and things are going well so far. It is a completely different universe than what I have grown accustomed to professionally (and I use that term loosely). This is a make-or-break week for me, as I have to process the monthly financial analysis reports for my department. It involves some computer skills that I am not all that familiar with. I probably wouldn’t be stressing about it as much as I am if recent history wasn’t what it is. So, say a prayer for me, wish me luck or whatever it is you feel like doing. I know I could definitely use it.

I had to stop seeing the counselor I was going to after three sessions until my insurance situation sorted itself out. I plan on resuming those sessions soon. I started going to a chiropractor/wellness coach a few weeks ago as well. The guy makes my neck sound like a bowl of rice crispies when he works on me but I know it will help me. I also farted on the guy last week when he was trying to adjust my hip and lower back. Between my hip, back and butt it sounded something like this: “pop, crack, crackle, phhhpbbbbbtttt, pop, crack”.

My poker game is starting to come around as well. Finally won some money playing with the Berwyn crew a couple weeks back, and I won a small 6-person tourney this past weekend. I got a nice run of cards in the Berwyn game, including K,K twice and A,K six times during the 5 hour session.

Zachary gave us a scare a few weeks ago when he started limping out of the blue. It seemed to be getting progressively worse and the doctor was perplexed. X-rays came back negative and he seems okay now. I will say that thinking there might be something wrong with your child is a quick-snap dose of reality that helped me stop hating myself for a little while. Speaking of Zachary, we had a very cool Father's Day this year. Kim's Mom (my Mother In Law is a saint) came with us to the Strassburg Railroad where we saw Thomas the Tank Engine. I thought it was going to be lame, and I worried that Zachary wouldn't be all that into it. I was wrong on both counts. Zachary had a blast, and I enjoyed the trip as well. We might even make it a yearly thing.

I am excited by the prospects for my new job. The money is good, benefits are great and the people I work with are all pretty okay. I have a lot to learn, so I am busting my hump to learn everything I need to in order to be successful. I am tired of hating myself and having no confidence. I might deserve the bad things that happen to me but my family doesn’t.

Speaking of family I am thankful to have been able to talk to and spend time with my youngest brother Paulie over the last few months. He is still stuck in the old neighborhood, and I am afraid for him. He has cleaned up his act and seems to really be on the road to recovery. I tookhim to the batting cages two weekends ago and had a blast. It was the type of thing two brothers should have done a hundred times and it made me realize that I was never there for him growing up, and I feel some responsibility for how all three of my younger siblings turned out. I wish I could help him more now either with a place to stay or help with rent, but I’m not in a position to do that right now. My sister was doing okay for awhile and is in full relapse. My parents are now stuck with her second child, and it has caused a lot of tension between them and I. I guess prayers aren’t just needed for work these days.

[Currently Listening: U2 (Starring Johnny Cash) – “The Wanderer”]