Yet Another Crazy Month

I wonder sometimes if I am doomed to be a professional vagabond for the rest of my life. I have had as crazy 3-year stretch professionally as I could possibly imagine. I have been bop-bopping around from job to job looking for my niche in an effort that has been almost completely in vain. I have had four full-time jobs since the Spring of 2005, and I have been battling a lot of career-related depression during this span and going back all the way to college. Some of my problems are self-induced, but the majority of them come from bad decision-making in job choices combined with my inability to finish my degree and get into the one field where I know I'd be truly happy - teaching.

My last engagement ended the final Friday of April. I thought I had found a job that met most of my criteria for "the perfect job". However, the position was somewhat misrepresented and I never received the "intensive training" period I was promised in my offer letter. I did everything I could, putting in extra hours, volunteering for extra duties such as giving up large chunks of most of my weekends to help with special projects and the greeting of busloads of foreign workers in the middle of the night. The missus and I saw red flags all over the place before accepting the position but as I said it met most of the criteria for what I was looking for. However, the people I was working for were quite strange, and apparently too busy to spend the time that would have helped me get up to speed. For the final three-plus weeks I worked there, I was on constant verge of heart/panic attacks. My chest was in a constant state of tightness and I couldn't sleep. Normally, losing a job when you have a family is a cause to panic. But to be honest, leaving there for the last time marked the first time I could breathe normally. It put my family in a perilous state financially, but I was determined to stay positive instead of allowing myself to fall into the trap of dread and dismay. I am happy to report that it is paying off.

I have a very good friend who is in the business of career-counseling, and we are exploring the types of situations where I might be able to function better than I have in recent years. It is obvious that the mom and pop small companies are not where I should be. I have settled for spots in companies like that because I have been afraid to try my luck with a bigger outfit. I have had myself psyched out since college that I could bring any worth to a large company. My self-esteem has been crap since I was a kid, and it still affects me today. Along those lines, I have also started talking to a counselor about my issues. My scuffling with trying to figure out what I am supposed to be doing combined with other neuroses has turned me into someone I am not supposed to be. I have a lot of hostility that seems to manifest itself at the worst times. After a few sessions, I have already learned a lot about myself and gotten some hope for the first time in ages that I don't have to settle for being unhappy professionally forever.

On the good news side of things, I have a bead on a job with a pretty big company in Wayne. It's a bit intimidating but they are offering me really good money and seem pretty steadfast in their belief that I have skills that are transferable to their company and the position. They would like me to start on the 30th and I have until then to make a final decision. I promised my new career counselor that I wouldn't make a final move until I let her do her thing, so we'll see. But at least there are good things happening with me. Another silver lining is that The Man Zachary and I are spending gobs of time together and it has brought us a lot closer. I feel badly because he is very clingy to me now and is kind of mean to Kim, but kids go through these stages and she'll be spending the entire summer with him.

Anyways, I am way past due for a current-eventsy entry, so it is coming soon. I have a lot on my mind and there has been a lot that has gone down in the past month.

[Currently Listening: 311 - "Prisoner"]