Profile of a Workplace Bio-Terrorist

For the first time in a long time I can honestly say I love my job. That being said, there has been one drawback: having to share a bathroom with someone so foul, so cruel, that I doubt my words can accurately capture the evil that lurks within the black heart of our mystery colleague known only as "The Mad Duker".

One hot day in early July I went to use the departmental restroom, and upon entering my stall of choice I found a harrowing sight waiting for me. Now, I am sure most of us have followed a non-flusher into a bathroom. I do not know how common this is in women's rooms, but this happens from time to time in the men's room. However the July incident was no mere non-flush. Waiting for me upon my arrival on this day was a full-scale pile of poo on the toilet seat. Needless to say I was a bit put off by this discovery. Who does that?!? I believe I actually yelled this in equal parts horror and bewilderment at the time. Here is another chilling factoid: this has happened THREE times to date.

After I calmed down I went out in search of answers. I was surprised to find out that I was not alone in these discoveries. Multiple coworkers who have been with the company for a while reported similar sightings. One colleague had already bestowed a moniker on the unidentified assailant: The Mad Duker. Here is what we know about The Mad Duker a.k.a. "Le Chieur Fou" (I work for a French company):

The Duker is male. Or a keenly disguised female who prefers to use the men's room.

The Duker is most likely a germaphobe. It is virtually impossible to get excrement on top of the seat unless one is squatting. Who squats? People deathly afraid (sometimes with good reason) of coming into contact with a seat. Less probable theories include: The Mad Duker is using his time in the restroom more productively by exercising, namely doing pull ups on the ceiling while using the toilet (tests of the structural integrity of the bathroom drop ceiling quickly dismissed this theory); Le Chieur Fou has multiple anuses and simply forgets which one to use. This theory was submitted by one of our French interns and has been dismissed for just that reason.

The Duker is probably a sociopath. Only someone with no conscience drops a hellacious deuce all over a toilet seat and then LEAVES it there. I mean seriously, does anyone with even a smidgeon of caring about their fellow man leave a hot steaming crap on top of the seat? The answer of course is no.

If the Duker is not a sociopath then chances are he has some twisted agenda and is trying to make some kind of point. As he is using fecal matter as a weapon, this makes him a bioterrorist. There have been no demands or declaration of fatwa accompanying any of the attacks to date, so one is left to wonder just what The Duker's political agenda may be. The attacks have resulted in the terror alert in the first floor bathroom to remain at no lower than "Orange" for the last seven months, and has also led to our cleaning staff donning SARS masks for a period of time.

It has been suggested that the profile worked up so far as stated above is off base and that it is wholly possible that The Mad Duker is some sort of crazed excrementing performance artist. Among Miriam Webster's myriad definitions of "art" is this little nugget: the conscious use of skill and creative imagination especially in the production of aesthetic objects. I have read that art can be almost anything if it invokes an emotional response. Well, I can assure you that The Mad Duker's work has elicited plenty of emotions in those of us exposed to it. Revulsion, confusion and anger spring right to mind. Here is hoping that if it is indeed true that The Duker fancies himself an artist, that he either finds another medium to express himself or another gallery to showcase his work. However, I would argue that the artist theory is bunk due to the complete lack of aesthetic objects, unless of course you happen to be a dung beetle, fly or other poop-seeking insect.

Solving the case of The Mad Duker has been difficult, not to mention dangerous. There are some solid suspects, but getting the charges to stick could prove difficult. The Duker has yet to be caught in the act, and as we learned during the Najeh Davenport duker case of 2002, DNA can not be extracted from poo. So it is with a broken spirit that I issue this impassioned plea to The Mad Duker: PLEASE stop. I speak for all of us who use the restroom when I beg you, for the love of God, to either aim better or clean up after yourself. There is no way you do not notice that you have left a pile of crap on a toilet seat you are about to vacate. I do not care how much of a hurry you might be in. Even if there is a medical condition at work here, there is no excuse for leaving your mess behind like that. It's just not right.

[Currently Listening: Gorillaz - "Rock It"]