Me? A Ball of Nerves?

First of all, let me wish everyone a happy Fat Tuesday. That being said, each and every Tuesday of the past 12 years has been a fat Tuesday for me, so whoop-di-freakin’-do. However, tomorrow the missus has me starting a diet, so maybe I’ll have some not-so-fat Tuesdays coming up real soon. So, for the next few months, it would be a good idea to keep any chicken wings or cheesesteaks out of arms length of me – or else I’m likely to pounce.

I have been called many things during my 33 years on terra firma. One thing I have NEVER been called, until now, is nervous. This would be especially true of my work experiences up to this point. I have worked in all kinds of environments, and any nerves that I might have had usually dissipated after a few days on the job. Late last week my boss told an amusing anecdote about an ex-coworker and began it by saying “if you think Vince is a ball of nerves, you should have seen so-and-so!...”.

The worst thing about the jolt that went through my body when I heard those words was that he was right. Maybe I am wrong when I think back on the first 33 years of my life and judge myself to have been a fairly easy-going individual, especially when my childhood is taken into account. I have always been a competitive person, and have had bouts with my ability to control my emotions during games. But that was hardly an example of nervousness. As far as I can tell, I was fun to be around – nights of chip-on-my-shoulder on-campus and bar fighting notwithstanding. In high school (prior to moving to the ‘burbs to attend Methacton for my 3rd Senior year) and middle school I was most definitely a class clown. So I wasn’t a nervous type back then. In all of my prior work experience, I was highly confident in my abilities and was told by more than one boss that I needed to ratchet down the cockiness a bit. Does a nervous person captain his sports teams? The answer is no. Yet here I am, 9-plus months into a job where the people around me consider me to be nervous.

I have worked for a lot of different types of people in my life. None of them ever intimidated me. I have always grasped a new job pretty quickly, and I always knew that I was pretty good at whatever I was doing at the time. I always knew that if for some reason things didn’t work out wherever I was, that I’d most likely be working again within a couple of weeks. This place has been different for me so far. For some reason, when the boss or his wife ask me to do something, I turn into a complete stammering nimrod. When I am questioned about something that I have produced, I get all flabbergasted and jumpy. Even when I know I have done everything right. This is SO not me.

I was just asked to act as web site administrator for a lead group as part of my expanded job description, and a conversation I had with the guy who set up the website made me feel a lot less mental. He must have overhead my co-worker and I joking about my being called nervous, and he said that I didn’t seem like a nervous type. He then asked me a couple direct questions. He asked, “recently married?”. I answered yes. He asked, “mortgage?”. I answered yes. He asked, “any kids?”. I told him about our Zachary being born just over six months ago. He said quite simply, “well there you go. It’s called responsibility, my man!”. This gentleman, let’s call him Matt, is most wise. I am holding on way too tight, like Cougar at the beginning of Top Gun. I am starting off on a completely new career path, and I am over-magnifying every misstep or criticism. I have always been a fall-on-the-sword type, and I am trying way too hard to impress my new bosses while completely abandoning the confidence in my abilities that got me hired in the first place. Now, the boss here likes to break people down, but that is a story for another day. From here on out, I am going to be myself. I am going to go back to being the confident guy who is a good at a lot of different things, and I am not going to let this guy break me down anymore. Looking back on the couple months of blog posts, I have turned into a complete Nervous Nancy. I hate nervous nancies...

[Currently Listening: Spacehog – “In the Meantime”]