Good To Be Remembered

I am sitting here on a dreary Monday morning with a ton going on. This should prove to be a most interesting week. Work has gotten a lot busier for me since the boss has given me more responsibilities. I plan to finally have the long-needed sit-down with my parents in an effort to make them start seeing the big picture of what the future may hold for them. I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon with the cardiologist that I have been putting off for almost two years. A new basketball season is starting Thursday night - which I am excited about because for the first time since I started playing in this league around 3 years ago, I had a measure of control over who is on the roster. And lastly, I am going to email my boss to see about a raise. This has me the most nervous of all of the week's tasks, as I am trying to figure out how to word my request properly.

The weekend was mostly uneventful, except for on Saturday afternoon - which was the memorial service for the Rev. Dick Sutton. Kim came with me, which was nice since she had never met Dick or most of the people I had worked with at the Baptists (ABC). When we arrived, I was happy to see that a lot of people turned out to pay their respects to Dick. As I said in a previous entry, he was one of the greatest people I had ever been around. As the service progressed, I found myself getting slightly nervous as I looked around the sanctuary. A lot of people that I had worked with at ABC were there, and in a sign that I am truly getting old, I was worried that I had forgotten a few of their names. With Kim in tow, I would have to introduce her to some of these people, and I was embarrassed by my inability to recall people's names that I had worked with for approximately three years. It made me feel really good when almost everyone I had worked with back then stopped to greet me and congratulate me on the baby. I really missed a lot of the people I used to work with, so it was definitely a blessing to get to see everyone again, albeit while wishing it was under better circumstances. It was slightly embrassing to receive that much attention at what was supposed to be a somber occasion - and one that I was not directly involved in. I was already beating myself up for not getting the letter I was writing (and pictures of the baby) to Dick and Carol to before Dick's passing. When word of Dick's illness spread, it was reported that he would have around 6 months to live. I started the letter right away but figured I had time to finish it and get it out the door. I dilly-dallied some as I obsessed over how to word certain things, and while I delayed, Dick's last 6 months turned into three weeks. The cancer was that quick. I was very angry and wholly embarrassed by my failure to contact the Suttons during their time of trial. Dick was always very much in tune with my emotional state while we worked together. He always seemed to know the perfect day to suggest we get out of the office for lunch and to talk, and was always such a huge help to me during times when I felt like I was losing it in the office. While in the receiving line, I got to meet Dick's son Nathan. I told him that I believed his father to be a great man, and he said something to me that struck me like a lightning bolt. He told me that his dad spoke of me to him, and that he was very fond of me. I am not sure why this hit me so hard. I think one of the reasons I delayed with sending the letter was because I thought that maybe I was giving our friendship too much credit. And that while he was in agony, in his last days, that the last thing he would want to waste time on was a letter from me. It meant the world to me that Carol thanked me for coming. She did not have to thank me, I should have begged her forgiveness for being persona non grata. I still wish that I got the letter to him in time, but I know that he is somewhere now with a vantage point from which he can see everything that is going on with me, and I am just thankful that his pain is ended. Dick Sutton was a great man, and a good person. No one should have to suffer the way he did at the end, but someone who has touched as many people as he has should be doubly spared that fate. I'll never forget Dick, and I pray that I can be half the man he was, and have at least a fraction of the positive impact on people that he did. If I can do that, then I will know that I led a decent life.

As I get closer and closer to this appointment this afternoon I get more and more worried. My family doc tried to get me to go to the cardiologist two years ago. I totally flaked out. The chest pain I was having was from muscle spasms in my back related to my second car accident of '04. That being said, my cholesterol was high, my blood pressure was borderline-high, and my Dad who weighs 120 pounds LESS than I do has had serious heart issues. The way I ate throughout my 20s does not help my cause for leading a long life. In fact, it is a minor miracle that I haven't had a heart attack given that I ate fast food in LARGE quantities for at least 2 meals a day and usually 3 from the time I was 19 until I was 28 or so. Plus, I was drinking ludicrious amounts of beer almost every night on top of the gluttonous eating. I am very afraid of what the doctors might find. But, I totally did this to myself. The fact of the matter is I could stand to lose around 40 pounds, and I need to start on it sooner rather than later. I lived so much of my life not really caring if I lived or died, not suicidal per se - just not caring, and now that I have things to live for - my fear is that I might have already done irreparable damage. I guess it's time to face the music.

[Currently Listening: Black Sheep - "The Choice Is Yours"]