Altitudinal Mediocrity?

I have been on a real positive kick the past few days. No matter how daunting the finances have looked, no matter how much heat was on me at work, I have been feeling pretty good about things. I have been making a conscious effort to bring optimism back into my life. Well, all of that was brought to an abrupt halt this morning at approximately 7:25am, at least temporarily, upon my bringing The Man Zachary next door to the neighbors for his daily watchin’.

Laurie met me at the door and shared with me a formula for calculating a baby’s adult height that she read in a renowned parenting magazine. She said that a good way to figure out how tall a baby will be is to take the difference in height between the parents, halve it, add that number to the mother’s height and add two inches for a boy, and subtract two for a girl. When applying this formula for my wife and I, it predicts that The Man Zachary will be approximately…5’11 and a half. FIVE ELEVEN AND A HALF!!!

You know that song, the oldie by Randy Newman that goes “short people got no reason”? Well, I wouldn’t know. I have never been short. Ok, I was short at one time but I have no real recollection what it was like. I am glad about this, because being tall has been very good to me. Like most tall people, I had some awkward stages during growth spurts and such, and the occasional adolescent growing pains in my shins and knees, but all-in-all being one of the tallest kids in school was pretty darned nice. As I got older, I noticed that I had a physical confidence that a lot of my friends did not. The ability to loom over people and to look down at them while looking them in the eye has its advantages. I have been told by many people throughout the last 15 years of my life or so that I have presented a commanding presence. Others have told me that I make them feel safe when we are out and about. I attribute a lot of this to my height. Being 6’5 has no drawbacks other than lack of legroom. I will admit that on cross-country flights in coach, I envy the wee people.

Studies published in The Economist state that shorter people suffer in lots of areas, most notably in the areas of earning potential, political viability and being able to reach things on the top shelf. Ok, the last one I just threw in there but it is no less true. So far, The Man Zachary is in the 97th percentile for weight, 90th for head size (he has a yooj melon) and…80th for length. I should have seen that stat two weeks ago as a sign. He is stout, for sure. But it looks like he is going to be a linebacker instead of the quarterback. And my dreams of unleashing the next Mark Eaton, or even the next Matt Harpring, on an unexpecting Chester County high school hoops landscape are now dashed. All of my post play knowledge will have to be heaped onto his tall friends, and now I will have to lean on Jimmy S. to teach him the guard-play skills that he will need to succeed. I never envisioned my progeny to be point guards – and with guards getting bigger every year, perhaps even backup point guards. I had a game plan in place for how I was going to raise a tall, athletic child.

During Kim’s pregnancy I found myself praying for a healthy child. Once we knew the baby was going to be a boy, I found myself selfishly fantasizing that he would take after me. I have always wondered what I’d have been capable of with parents that were supportive and nurturing. Mind you, I would never be one of those psycho parents living vicariously through their kids – you know the ones, the little league parents who admonish their children for striking out, who scream at umpires and flip out on coaches. But I would love the opportunity to raise a kid with my physical characteristics and mental makeup to see what he would be capable of.

Now, in place of speeches and lessons on not just relying on size to get by and the evils of bullying - there will be speeches about what you can achieve if you try harder than the tall people and clichéd adages about how it’s not the size of the man that counts but the size of his heart. The Man Zachary is healthy and I am extremely thankful to God for that. Plus, they say that every cloud has a silver lining. Kim and I will be much more capable of keeping him in clothes...

[Currently Listening: The Ramones – "It’s Gonna Be Alright"]