Professionally Paying For the Sins of My Past

I feel as though my head is going to explode. It is not angst or rage that has me feeling this way, it’s the world-record congestion that has built up in my sinuses. I eagerly await my eyeballs popping out to relieve the pressure.

Work has been kind of nuts this week. There have been all kinds of hurt feelings, shouting, and gnashing of teeth over various issues such as employees earned time off, our having to work on Monday, lack of raises, etc. The boss called each of us in to his office on Tuesday to go over our time usage and to give us a “state of our jobs” address. As usual, the effect was less-than-inspiring. I enjoyed a shower of the usual cascade of mixed-messages as my boss see-sawed between accolades and death knells. In one sentence I am an asset. In the next, my loyalty to the company is what is “keeping me around so long”. Since this guy has fired people since I started working for him in late April for as little as being “too defensive”, I sat there and said very little.

You see, I am trapped in situations like this by a myriad of elements, not the least of which is that I was a total retard (my apologies to those who might be developmentally challenged or have loved ones that fall into that category) in college. I went to school in 1992 lacking many things. While the opportunity to attend Ursinus College is one I am greatly thankful for, I went to Collegeville lacking guidance, any knowledge of where I was to live during breaks, and without any sort of plan for the future. These shortcomings paled in comparison to my not having any parental or financial help whatsoever, which led to my borrowing over $20,000.00 per year to make my stay at Ursinus happen. While I was as street-smart as any kid in his late teens could be in 1991-1992, I lacked a lot of worldly knowledge that would have greatly shaped my decision-making back then – and subsequently would have greatly helped me over the next decade-plus. For instance, I believed I wanted to be a high-school history teacher and basketball coach. There was no need for me to attend an expensive private college to achieve this aim. From what I have learned about “pot odds” while playing poker, it made little to no sense for me to get myself $80,000.00+ in debt to get a job that would most likely pay $30,000 per year to start. As they say, hindsight is 20-20. Poor decision making would become the norm for me throughout my early-to-mid twenties. Most normal people who had gone through what I went through growing up, who were looking at the debt they were compiling, would probably bear down and do everything they could to succeed. Not this kid. This kid continued to feel lost, to feel sorry for himself, to feel as though he was entitled to the pity of the world. This kid didn’t see the point, didn’t plan ahead. This kid blew off classes, drank too much, wasted his money from work on fast food and booze, had a chip on his shoulder a mile wide, fought too much and did everything he could to avoid graduating from college. In that, he was most successful.

I did not finish my degrees, nor my teacher certification. After leaving campus in the spring of 1996 I was 30 credits short of my Political Science degree, my History minor and hadn’t even started the requirements for completing my Teacher’s Certification. I had accomplished very little over 4 years other than giving lots of people plenty of fodder for legendary stories of drunken buffoonery and bravery, racking up a mountain of student loan debt and destroying what reputation I might have had as a student.

So, how does this trap me where I am today? It traps me for a bevy of reasons. First, until I go back and finish school, I’ll never be happy in what I am doing. Instead of pursuing my goals of teaching, coaching, and later becoming a Principal - I am forced to bounce around, looking for the best offer doing whatever I can to put myself in the best position to provide for my family. This means sometimes having to eat crow from someone with half my intellect, afraid to defend myself because not only can I ill afford to be out of work for a couple weeks should things go sour, but I cannot afford to take a pay cut either.

Here I am, almost ten years removed from when I was supposed to graduate from college. Professionally, I will continue to pay for my sins of yesteryear for as long as it takes me to get back into school to finish my coursework and teacher certification program. Truth is, reality may not ever allow for me to finish. Without a serious influx of income at Casa de Blando, I cannot foresee my return to classes. Plus, student teaching is a requisite for certification. I have no clue how we would ever be able to afford my not working for three months straight while student teaching. But hey, stranger things have happened, right? So for now I will bide my time, bite my lip, and remember that I have to suffer for awhile in professional purgatory for the sins of my youth. This is what I have to do for my family, and that is all that matters right now.


[Currently Listening: Iggy Pop (Feat. Kate Pierson) “Candy”]

“Life is crazy…”