To Taze Or Not To Taze? Is That Really the Question?

Okay, so I am jumping in on this subject in a not-so-timely fashion. Sometimes I think it better to let the noise die down a bit on an issue that everyone is yelling and screaming about, and then weigh in when tempers have calmed and people are more willing to listen. They may not care anymore, but they are more likely to listen...


So, last week Philly sports fans were in the "spotlight" yet again after some young knucklehead ran onto the field and was zapped with a tazer for his trouble. I am usually the biggest critic of using excessive force, but not this time. Was it wrong to taze a 17-year-old kid who seemingly posed no threat to the players on the field? I will not call it wrong, though the tazing should have come much earlier in the proceedings.

The Philadelphia Phillies have achieved rock-star status in this town. This level of adulation is known to spur some crazy behavior from devotees (for more information on this, see any public appearance by Justin Bieber). Add alcohol to the equation and the likelihood of something crazy happening skyrockets. Pro athletes are well-paid, often coddled, but they are also very vulnerable while on the field of play to the aforementioned crazy behavior. Fans do not belong on the field. The potential for something bad happening is too great to turn a blind eye to the issue. If tazing people is what gets this dangerous trend to stop, then so be it.

I thought the tazing to be a bit extreme at first, but the more I thought about it the more okay with it I became. Attending pro sports events is not inexpensive, and I sure as heck do not pay my hard-earned money to watch drunken goofballs streak onto the field and elude ill-prepared security personnel for however long. I thought giving this kid the el zappo treatment would serve as a deterrent to other would-be idiots. However, the very next night, another genius does the same thing - but with no tazing. Talk about your mixed messages...

Instead of calling for an end to tazing of fans that run onto the field, I am actually going to expand the list of those deserving the tazer treatment. First, I would like unintelligent hecklers tazed every time they yell something vulgar, stupid or both. If you can't heckle without cursing, you get tazed. If you continue to scream at an opposing player, telling him that he "sucks" after he has hit a home run and made a diving catch in right field, automatic tazer.

Can we start zapping grown men who scream out a player's name repeatedly while they warm up hoping the player will toss them a ball? There is just something inherently wrong with guys in their 20's and 30's screaming like little girls for a warm-up ball. It's annoying, and not only should these clowns be tazed, but they should turn in their man cards as well. Please leave the pleading and begging to the young girls and kids.

I would also like to taze any scumbag who leaves glass bottles from their tailgates in the parking lot for people to run over after the game. In fact, this violation calls for a double tazing and a severe mollywopping. Having a couple cold ones before the game? Great. But clean up after yourselves. Violators deserve a couple extra volts for this offense.

Let's get a couple extra tazer darts ready for the ownership group of the Phillies. The club seems destined to allow Jayson Werth to leave as a free agent at season's end. Many fans are likely to go berserk when Werth ends up in Boston, and I do not blame them. Are there financial realities in place that keep the Phillies from spending like the Red Sox and Yankees? Yes. But this ownership group could bite the bullet for a year and go over their $140 million self-imposed payroll ceiling while waiting for other big-money contracts to expire. Now, whether or not Werth deserves the massive payday he is headed for is another debate. However, he is an emerging superstar and has a great rapport with the fans. Sometimes, that is worth digging a little deeper in order to keep something like that.

Lastly, can we have the Hollywood hotshots behind the new Karate Kid movie tazed? I am willing to perform this tazing personally. I hate the fact that Hollywood has seemingly run out of innovative movie ideas. I have been bemoaning the release of this movie since first hearing the rumors of its development almost a year ago. Why? The Karate Kid was a classic. After seeing the preview for the new version, the story would seem to vary wildly from the original. So why call it The Karate Kid?!? Are you telling me that you can't think of another martial-arts inspired name? It makes me sick. At least they waited for Pat Morita to be in the ground so he could spin in his grave before rolling this project out. Rest in peace, Mr. Miyagi, though I know it will now be harder for you to do so.