Feeling Old, Getting Misty, The Man Is 1 Today

Today is The Man Zachary's birthday. Our little guy is a year old, and I have no idea where the year went. His first year has gone by fast. Too fast. He is developing so quickly, I find myself feeling as though I missed most of his "baby" stage. I sat in my living room last night and reflected on the past year and how lucky I am to have such a beautiful son. Then it hit me. There are people that are dear to me that haven't even met him yet. This is what has me torn somewhat today, between happiness, thankfulness and guilt.

A year ago today I was at the hospital with Kim, who was very much in labor. She had gone into labor on the night of the 22nd, but Zachary was not ready to come out and join the party. I remember a complete inability to get comfortable in the two-chair makeshift bed I put together while trying to watch "National Treasure" on the laptop. Kim was in a lot of pain, so I really couldn't complain. The room was very chilly, but I didn't mind that much. They gave me blankets, although they were for short people and my giant feet were cold. Kim would get her epidural late the next morning, but Zachary continued to delay the proceedings. Around 5pm on the 23rd, the doctor came in and described Zachary as "ornery" and said that Kim could either agree to a C-section or we could wait as long as another full day before he might be ready to comply. Around 5:45p they took Kim in to the Operating Room, and they had already started by the time I arrived. I will spare the gory details (and man, were they gory. I am WAY tough for not passing out after what I saw. I was too tall for the surgical screen to block my view. Holy crap.), but our little guy came into the world at 6:05pm.

Everything that has happened between then and now has been a blur. Between the baby, my working two jobs and handling the various things that adults have to deal with (around-the-house stuff, errands, cars getting struck by lightning, etc.) I have lost track of a lot of people that are near and dear to me. I am embarrassed to report that the bulk of my interaction with friends is through email and MySpace. No matter how busy one gets, there really is no excuse for this. There is a significant handful of my closest friends that have not met Zachary. For this, I deserve to be dragged into the street and beaten about the head and neck with large blunt objects.

Granted, there have been some valid reasons for my lack of sociability. Between the two jobs, the baby, and the everyday things the average adult homeowner has to deal with (around-the-house stuff, errands, cars getting struck by lightning, etc.), there isn't a lot of time for getting out and about. Some people blame my wife for my not getting out much. This has nothing to do with her. Kim rarely gives me a hard time about going out. The blame for my lack of face time with friends lies solely with me. As big a factor as those I just listed is my having a tough time facing people of late. I had a most-embarrassing DUI two Augusts ago that still has me gun-shy about going out. The stunt I pulled at my last job is what really has me shame-ridden and afraid to face people. I feel like a sub-human for allowing myself to sink to that level. Some people tell me to not beat myself up, that there were some valid reasons for my doing what I did - but there weren't. I had taken a lot of pride in re-creating myself as a disciplined, prioritized guy that could be counted on when needed - instead of the drifting, seemingly-always-in-need, wayward soul I was through most of my twenties. I was wronged, but what I did to retaliate was stupid, dangerous and something I will be ashamed of for the rest of my life. I need to get myself over this. All of my friends that I have spoken to about this have voiced their support for me. None have been judgmental. Obviously the problem is me. I want to apologize to all of my good friends that I have been more-or-less hiding from for so long. There really is no excuse. I hope you guys can forgive me.

I will say that I am one proud papa. Last night Kim called me upstairs to look at the particular way Zachary was sleeping (which was uber-cute) and I got a little choked up. I am a very lucky man, car getting struck by lightning notwithstanding. There are people all over the world who can't have kids, and a year ago today Kim gave me the most beautiful son I could ask for. He has a great personality for a kid - very engaging. He has been ahead of the curve for the most part developmentally, and he is all kinds of cute (I can take no credit for this because he looks exactly like Kim). Becoming a Dad has definitely re-snapped me into shape priority-wise. However, my friends ARE a priority, and from here on out I will be doing a better job of balancing my life. It really is a disgrace that I don't spend any time with certain close friends. I have to fix this, and fix it soon.

[Currently Listening: Metallica - "Nothing Else Matters"]